Never Give Max Beer
by linkpika
Summary: Iggy puts beer in Max's food and she goes a little nuts. Here's a lesson kiddies. Never give Max beer.


**Well. Weird story, I know I know. Lots of random moments. Their a bit out of character but whatever. This is fanfiction! All human.**

"Um…Iggy. Why did you put beer in Max's food? She's only fifteen. Are you trying to kill her?" Fang's head twitched and he turned to Iggy's smiling face.

He shrugged and stuck out his tongue. "It's not exactly a lot of fun going shopping when you're _blind_. Besides, I decided Max needed a bit of excitement in her life. A shot of it in her food won't do much harm."

"You do know we aren't old enough to drink yet," Fang stated slowly. His words must have drifted through Iggy's ear, because his face only brightened more.

"Haven't you heard anything I said before? Max is a boring girl. She needs to have some fun and stop acting so motherly."

"I think you took it a little too far though…"

"What do you mean?"

Fang slapped his hand against his eyes and groaned. Of course. Max is making snow angels on the sidewalk and of course Iggy doesn't notice that. Sometimes it was hard to believe the guy was completely sightless. He didn't even need a guide to know everything that went around here.

Angel tugged on Fang's sleeve and blinked innocently. "Why is Max on the ground? Is she tired?"

He winced at the question and forced the corners of his mouth to tilt up. "Um. No. She's just being a bit delusional right now. We have to get her inside a house now so we don't get humiliated in public. Do you think you can help us do that sweetie?"

She gave another one of her happy go lucky smiles. "Okay!"

Fang sighed. He wasn't sure whether to be glad or upset that Nudge and Gazzy had wondered off in the food court somewhere. It would have been great to get some help moving Max, but it wouldn't exactly set off as a great educational message.

He bent over and tapped her lightly on the arm. "Come on Max. Time to get a move on."

Ironically, she looked at him and shot up like a gun. "Your right! There are much more important thing to consider. World hunger for one thing! I know!" She motioned at a couple pigeons pecking at the ground. 'I'll catch some of those and feed them to the homeless."

She scrambled awkwardly over and feebly attempted to grab them. They cocked their heads up and flew off. Max sat down with a thump and rubbed her eyes. "No! Little birds! I need to feed you to the homeless! Please stop flying!" Her voice grew hysterical on the last sentence, and she literally starting crying. There were tears in her eyes as she started cracking.

"Mommy!" She screamed. "These evil pigeons are being so mean to me! All I wanted to do was help the poor and they ignored me. Please help me. It's going dark…everything is going so dark. Clifford the big red dog is going to step on me! Why did this have to happen?"

Iggy doubled over with laughter and banged his head on a stop sign. It still didn't stop him from acting like an idiot though. "That's it!" he said between sputters. "I'm…going to get Max drunk…once a week from now on."

Fang glared at him and ran over to Max. "Come on Angel," he called. "We need to get Maxie over there inside."

Angel nodded and came over. That's my girl, Fang thought proudly. Always ready to help.

Fang grabbed Max's arm and she gave him a funny look. Suddenly she twisted around in his direction, and kicked his… um, tender spot.

He let out something that sounded like a high-pitched chipmunk scream and glass scraping against a chalkboard.

Iggy blinked and stood up. "Angel? Can you describe what just made that sound?"

Angel giggled. "Fang tried grabbing Max, and she kneed him between the legs."

Well. Iggy lost it. He fell on the ground and rolled on the floor. "That is just beautiful! Why in God's name do I have to be blind?"

"Iggy, you dumbass. Stop laughing or I'll slap you," Fang groaned.

Max smirked. "That'll teach you, jerk! I mean like…what kind of name is fang anyway? That's what you name dogs. What was your mother thinking? You know what? As soon as I get home, I am going to rename my dog to Fang."

Fang stood up and scowled. He grabbed her waist and tossed her over his shoulders. "Shut up until I find a place to put you in."

Dear reader. You are about to find out how a drunk Max can take you to jail. Because the next thing Fang knew, he was being accused. "Rape!" Max screeched. "I dare say this man is trying to kidnap me! Police! Someone call the cops!"

Fang's eye twitched and a lady passing by stared at the scene. She took one look at the position Max was in and whipped out her cell phone.

"No! She's lying!" Fang pleaded desperately. "My friend gave her beer and she started making snow angels on the sidewalk! You have to believe me."

Of course, keeping Max on his shoulder only made it worse and soon enough, the woman was dialing the number.

"Oh shit," he muttered angrily. "Iggy, god damn it. When this is over, I'm going to kill you, and you better hope god has mercy, because I am not going to hold back."

A voice on the other end picked up and Fang grit his teeth nervously. You're not going to jail, he told himself. At least not today. Just turn around and run away and pretend this never happened. Maybe, the police station will have a robbery and close all operations. Yeah right, now your just kidding yourself.

Before the woman was about to speak, her expression froze and she fell over.

Behind her, Angel grinned and waved happily. "I knocked her out," she explained cheerfully.

"For once, I'm not going to punish you for that," Fang muttered.

Angel's smile widened even more and she winked. She jumped to his side again happily and helped him with the crazy drunk girl.

Meanwhile, Max's tantrum increased in volume and frequency. She made several attempts to knee and slap Fang, but he was prepared for that. He tucked her arms behind his back while Angel restrained her legs. Iggy followed closely behind all the while, laughing his ass off.

Every person that passed by gave Fang a strange look, and he only quickened his pace.

Angel, being the natural little mind reader she was, must have sensed the people's thoughts. Because every now and then, she would try to be helpful and say, "My sister got drunk so we have to put her inside before we get publicly humiliated," she explained. "Don't worry, we got this all under control."

Of course, that's not something you usually hear from a seven year old, and they would only give Fang a weirded out look.

One guy even called him a pervert.

And that's how Fang lost it too. He dropped Max on the floor and curled up into a little ball.

"Why is this happening to me?" he asked to no one. "Mommy always told me to be a good little boy and I was. So why is this happening to me? Iggy got Max drunk. Max is ruining my life. This random person tried calling the police on me. Am I being punished for everything I did wrong? Well I'm sorry I ate all of Gazzy's cookies one time? Please help me."

Angel giggled and turned to Iggy. "I think Fang is going crazy. Should I slap him?"

Iggy snorted with laughter. "Sure sweetie, he needs some sense knocked into him now."

She nodded and smacked Fang.

He blinked and stood up. "Thanks Angel."

"Can I do that again?" she asked.

"No."

"Okay."

Max, who had been previously released from Fang's grip, jumped him and covered his eyes. "How dare you try and kidnap me? Well you should know Maximum Ride always gets her revenge."

She pulled at his hair, while he ran around in circles. Without his vision, Fang was useless and to be honest. Angel and Iggy weren't exactly being helpful at this point.

Max wrestled him to the ground and stamped on his back. Fang screamed like a little girl and finally the pressure came to him. He collapsed and Max balanced her foot on his spine.

"Today, I have defeated the evil Fang!" she announced. "Justice has been served and this area is now at peace. But there are much more bad things in this world. It is my job as the kid bird hero to save the earth and reclaim its goodness!" She yawned. "But like every hero, you need to take some naps once in a while. Wake me up when evil comes back."

She fainted and fell over him. Feeling her full weight, Fang cursed in his sleep and shut his eyes tighter. It would be a long time before he woke up again.

"And that ladies and gentlemen is how Fang lost his innocence," Iggy announced.

Gazzy and Nudge popped out from behind a corner, holding a video camera. Ironically, they had filmed it all.


End file.
